You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
