So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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