Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
