Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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