I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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