So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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