and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
this is an emotional support booty call
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
