I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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