3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
