Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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