i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
