Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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