I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you didnt know i had herpes?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
