he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
