This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
