i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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