Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My dick has a subreddit
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
