i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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