I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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