Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
