i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
