I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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