So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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