i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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