he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
