1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
