you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
