No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
