remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
