The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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