Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
