Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
