Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
