Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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