I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
