I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
