I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
