dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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