I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
