a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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