Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
