Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
