I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
