I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
