Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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