Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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