I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
