You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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