the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
