when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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